Unmasking Masculine Grief: How Most Men Navigate the Depths of Despair
“Real men don’t cry! Suck it up! Tough it out!” These were the messages ingrained in me growing up, especially when handling adversity. So, after the tragic loss of my 14-year-old son, I had no idea what to do, how I was “supposed” to behave, or what steps to take.
This article aims to shed light on the unique ways men grieve.
Do Men and Women Grieve Differently?
Grief is undeniably a deeply personal experience. Some researchers suggest the way we grieve is as unique as our fingerprint.
No two people will grieve in the same way. Even people facing a similar experience—like siblings grieving the loss of their parent—will process their emotions and reactions differently. One person might be angry at the parent for leaving them, while the other might be so sad they can barely get out of bed.
Studies show that men grieve differently than women. In general, men tend to isolate themselves, avoid talking, and are more likely to distract themselves. While women tend to connect with others, talk openly about their feelings, and seek support. When men mourn, they tend to turn inwards; when women mourn, they tend to turn outwards.
The Unique Ways Men Grieve
Grief can be a very lonely and isolating experience for many people. During times of bereavement:
Many Men Self-Isolate When They’re Grieving
The reasons may vary. Perhaps the things he used to love to do don’t seem as enjoyable anymore. Some men tell me that they feel like they just don’t fit into those around them anymore. Others think nobody else could possibly understand how they feel. Maybe he just doesn't want other people to see him ugly-cry.
Men Avoid Talking About Loss
People who feel pressured to be strong or independent often limit their display of emotion or avoid talking about their feelings. Some men have expressed that putting on a brave front protects their family and friends. While others will avoid talking about their loss completely.
Men Get Lost In Distractions When Grieving
Many men employ distraction techniques to avoid thinking about or processing their loss. Some men throw themselves into their work. Others will find release by doing something more physical, like working out. Conversely, others may find themselves frozen into immobility.
If the death of a child is involved, many men feel an increased responsibility to take care of other family members. They may take charge of the family finances, plan the funeral, or do more household chores.
Men May Not Recognize The Symptoms of Grief
Men expect to feel sad or lonely when they are grieving. But they might not expect to feel other emotions, such as guilt, anger, fear, or anxiety. They may also not associate physical symptoms such as fatigue, nausea, weight changes, pain, or insomnia with grief.
Grief doesn’t progress in a straight line, with each day being a little easier than the day before. Initially, grief may feel overwhelming. And then, a day comes when feelings aren’t as intense, some people might feel guilt about not feeling so sad.
Or you might start to feel at peace with your loss, then find strong feelings resurfacing around birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or the anniversary of the death. You may also feel the loss more intensely at events like weddings and graduations, where you realize your loved one is missing out on these experiences.
Steps For a Grieving Man:
Avoid Isolation: It’s not uncommon for someone to become withdrawn or depressed after the loss of a loved one. So much so that it frequently leads to deterioration in relationships with family and friends.
Cultivate a healthy community - Think about which of your friends or family members you feel most comfortable with, and is the most supportive in these situations. Reach out! People aren’t mind-readers. Your peeps want to help. They probably don’t know how.
Allow people in. You absolutely can’t do this alone.
Facebook is not a healthy community.
There’s nothing like changing scenery to get your mind off things. You can take a walk, drive, or ride.
Join a grief/bereavement support group. As soon as you start, you will realize that you are not alone. Talking with others in similar situations is a lot more helpful than you may realize.
Talk about it: Bottling things up often leads to bitterness, isolation, and long-term psychological effects.
Expressing grief is one of the most important parts of the grieving process.
We don’t heal from grief. Grief is the healing.
A buried feeling never dies.
If someone you truly love and trust is expressing the desire to spend time with you, consider letting them in.
If you absolutely can’t talk to anyone, start journaling your thoughts every once in a while.
Ask yourself, “Is this serving me?”: Evaluate what you’re spending your time doing, and thinking about, and try to recognize whether it’s helping you by asking yourself a simple but powerful question, “Is this serving me or not?” If it isn’t, stop doing it.
A good form of distraction for anyone is exercise. In the earliest days after the loss, you may just be able to manage a short walk. But getting out into nature can help. As you start to deal with your grief, getting more intense exercise can release feel-good emotions called endorphins.
Oscillation Theory, which is a different model of grief, says that we need to approach our grief. And then it's okay to withdraw and take a break from grief. This isn’t considered avoidance or denial, but a healthy way to grieve.
Grief can’t be avoided, but it can be managed.
Educate Yourself: about grief and the grieving process, so you have a better idea of what many people typically experience. Of course, if you have physical or mental health symptoms that concern you, talk to your doctor.
Supporting a Grieving Man
When a man in your life is grieving, you likely want to help, but you might not be sure what you can do. Perhaps you’re struggling with wanting to encourage him to process his grief, but also giving him space.
We all need support in some way with grief, regardless of gender. Encourage the man in your life who is grieving to talk to you, a family member, or a close friend.
Gently offer support, but back off if you feel it may not be helping. And keep in mind that support can take different forms. If a man in your life isn’t comfortable talking about grief, simply spending time together may be helpful.
Remember, supporting a grieving man isn't about fixing his pain but rather being a compassionate presence during his healing journey.
Conclusion
Due to societal expectations and stereotypes most men feel pressure to "be strong" and for many of them, that means avoiding showing any signs of vulnerability. How that grief is outwardly expressed might vary from one man to another, or compared to how a woman expresses her grief. While he may not be showing any signs of grieving to others, the depth and intensity of a man's grief are equal to anyone else's. Just as genuine and challenging to navigate.
That’s my PHILIPosophy!
