The Grief Continuum™: Navigating the Unscripted Journey of Loss

When people are grieving, sometimes it feels like we’re handed scripts. Pre-defined paths that suggest what we’re supposed to feel first, and what comes next. There are these unspoken societal norms around how people are supposed to behave when they are bereaved.

In July 2015, I was faced with every parent's worst nightmare – I lost my amazing 14-year-old son, Perry, in a tragic accident at sea. His absence left this giant hole in my heart that felt impossible to fill.

I went on a wild journey to rediscover who I was and to attempt to make some sense out of the chaos. I dove headfirst into grief, stumbling around in the dark, but always holding onto this little spark of hope.

And you know what? Along the way, I stumbled upon some truths that completely flipped the script on how we think about loss. Turns out, we've got more power to shape our own stories than we realize, even in the face of the worst kind of pain.

The 5 Stages of Grief Were Never Intended for the Bereaved

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychologist, first introduced the five stages of grief when studying patients with terminal illnesses in the 1960s. She noticed that patients appeared to go through psychological phases as they faced their own mortality. Ross later categorized these phases into the five stages of grief we know today: denial, anger, bargaining depression, and acceptance. It was immediately appealing because the stages offered a simple way of understanding a complex human experience. The framework was so simple that it quickly became entrenched in popular culture, books, TV shows, and eventually countless YouTube videos. 

Today, the idea that there are stages of grief is so entrenched in popular culture that we might have forgotten that they were never intended for the bereaved. A system that was originally designed to be descriptive now has a prescriptive component. It evolved into a model that suggested people should expect certain emotions and that grief would be a journey from one stage to the next. But grief doesn’t work like that. It’s not neat or tidy. It’s messy and all over the place.

Introducing The Grief Continuum: Grief Cannot be Confined to 5 Stages

The Grief Continuum suggests that navigating grief isn’t like navigating school.  We don’t all start at the same place, graduate through the same stages, to wind up at the same destination. As opposed to viewing grief in stages, I believe grief would be more accurately represented on a bi-directional continuum with acceptance in the center.

When tragedy arises, we land on the continuum somewhere below our version of acceptance. Now, I’m sure a lot of people do experience one of the other four stages first. Denial, anger, bargaining, or depression. I did not.

My first reaction was fear. Quickly followed by an overwhelming sense of helplessness.

I began to hear voices in my head like, “You're not a father anymore” “You couldn’t protect your own son!” All of those “what ifs” crept in leading me to stages further down the continuum. Like worthlessness, guilt, shame, and at times, revenge.

While I eventually did arrive at my version of acceptance. My journey there was far from linear, or even forward.

And then a single moment changed everything! For The first time in as long as I could remember, I felt something I hadn't experienced for a really long time.  Just on the other side of acceptance, I found subtle optimism.

A sense that life might actually be ok again. Which led me to curiosity, and eventually courage, and then forgiveness. Today, a sense of purpose that I could have never imagined way back then. 

However, even after we reach and surpass our version of acceptance, and discover any potential gifts that may lie beyond. At any moment we could hear a song that reminds us of the ones we love and find tears flowing down our face because we still miss them so much. And you know what? That’s ok! It doesn’t mean we’re grieving wrong. Grief is not predictable or linear. It’s a journey that ebbs and flows. What I'm trying to illustrate here is that grief does NOT start at denial or end at acceptance. Grief can’t possibly be confined to 5 stages. Because it doesn’t, I believe the journey should accurately reflect it.

Conclusion:

Taking back the narrative that I was supposed to be a helpless passenger on some pre-defined path allowed me to make decisions that in some ways opened the door for me to craft my own journey.

Here’s the thing: grief isn’t a one-size-fits-all deal. There isn’t a “right” way to navigate it. We don’t reach a point where we finish. We move back and forth on this continuum forever. And yeah, it’s tough. But there’s beauty in the struggle, in knowing that you’re not alone in this crazy journey.

So, let’s ride this wave together. Let’s embrace the messiness, the tears, and the laughter. Because even in the darkest moments, there’s a glimmer of hope. And together, we’ll find our way through the storm.

That’s my Philiposophy!

P.S. Curious about that single moment that changed everything? Watch my TEDx HERE to find out.